Day 12: Feeling the burn... and the frustration

I'm feeling the burrrrrn when I do the exercises. The push-ups and dips are probably the biggest challenge for me. When I'm doing the dips, the last dip in each set consists of a lot of shaking, quivering, sweating... and failing. My push-ups are similar. Really challenging, all the way down to my wrists. I still have to do those on my knees, and I can't get my chest all the way to the ground when I use the push up bars. At least there's no question that I'm working to failure on those exercises! My upper body is so weak. (For now. It's getting stronger!)

I'm also feeling a lot of residual soreness in my hip flexors and in my shoulders. I was expecting the soreness to be in my chest, in my abs, in my thighs... and I feel a bit of it there, but the shoulders/hip flexor area is where it's the most intense. Unexpected.

I'm having some cravings, but they're not for the things I expected (soft-serve ice cream or things with icing--I could care less about those, to be honest, and to my surprise). I'm craving homemade broccoli cheddar soup, and fresh homemade sourdough bread. Together! Oh lordy, that sounds too delicious. Or Pad Thai. I love pad thai with tofu. But the soup/bread combo is what I'm obsessing over.

It has been a long time since I really denied myself any food--I let myself eat whatever it is I'm really hungry for, and then once I have it, I'm not hungry for it anymore. Having a serving of something I really want, savoring it, enjoying it... it took me a long time to be able to do that (instead of overeating or binging out on something). Reaching the point of truly eating in moderation those foods which I'm truly hungry for was an accomplishment, and it's frustrating to me that I can't do that right now (by choice, I know!).

It's been years since I've actually shut out certain foods for longer than a couple of weeks for a cleanse. And it's rough. Not because I want to pig out on sweets or snacks (or even on the food I'm craving), or because I'm not getting enough to eat. It's hard because I think that I shouldn't have to do this. Because I hate not being able to have a bowl of the soup I want. It feels really frustrating. Plus, when I really want a particular food, it makes all of the other foods seem relatively undesireable. (Which also sucks.)

I'm not caving and I'm not forgetting that sticking to this plan is just as much my choice as having that bowl of soup would be. I'm just... venting. Acknowledging that I'm having a rough time with this. Noticing that this is pushing on the boundaries of the relationship with food I'd worked really hard to develop. But mostly just venting it out.